Someone You Need

Someone You Need

P&P songfic based on the Howard Jones song Someone You Need.

A cold November night, sometime after 2am, on the streets of Meryton.

Darcy

~The streets here are empty, all the people went home.~

Has it really come to this? I’m walking around your neighborhood in the dead of night, hoping for… what? That you’ll peek out of your window, see me in the street and rush into my arms? That’s not very bloody likely, is it?

~Well, I was just wondering if you’re alone.~

Have you moved on? Well, it really wouldn’t be moving on now, would it? That would mean that we’d actually been together. I have no rights… you never led me on. I was a right bloody fool for seeing what I wanted to see. I know that you won’t be alone forever, but I really hope that you’re alone right now. I know that’s terrible, and incredibly selfish of me, but the very idea that someone else might be holding you, kissing you, loving you- when it should be me– would just kill me. But then again, that may be just precisely what you wish for…

~So how you’ve been lately?~

Had I not been such an arse, such a colossal prick, I could just pick up the bloody phone and give you a ring. I can’t even do that now. What is wrong with me? Instead of telling you that I love you and think you’re perfect, I insult you in every way imaginable and then had the gall to ask why you turned me down! What I would give to know that you’re alright…

~I hear you’re a little down and do you think maybe I could come around?~

…but instead I have to rely on second-hand information. Charlie says that Jane told him that you seem melancholy since the last time we met. I wonder what you would think if you knew that I’ve changed. That I’m working hard to be a man who might be someday worthy of you? To think, I thought myself above you- what a presumptuous, arrogant bastard I was! If you knew I was trying, would you wish to see me? Would you want my company? Would we be able to hold a conversation without fighting? Or is it too late to even try to make a new start? I know the last time we saw each other, we managed not to argue, but is that enough to form a friendship on? Would you even wish to?

~I could be someone you need.~

I know that you said I was the last man in the world who could ever interest you… but as wrong as I was, you had some wrong information too. Did you believe me? Has that made a difference? Or was I so terrible that it doesn’t matter? If your opinion has changed, do you now see what I do? That your strengths compliment my weaknesses and mine yours? Oh Elizabeth, will you ever see, ever understand, that I need you? Might you possibly need me too?

~Wrap you in blankets on dark winter nights.~

That night we spent at Charlie’s- where we were both so stubborn- is one of my fondest memories. You were cuddled in that arm chair by the fire, bundled up in that woolen afghan, trying so hard to stay warm. I tried to bring you another blanket, but you were being so fiercely independent that you refused. How I wanted to sweep you in my arms and keep you warm myself! I realize now that while I thought you were being coy, you were most likely hoping I would just go away. Still, that night was the seed of one of my favorite fantasies… I envision you and I snuggled under blankets together on a settee in the library at Pemberley where we talk about everything and nothing. My favorite person in my favorite place… how much I long to make that a reality instead of a dream!

~Be your best confidante, pay the right compliment.~

The last time we met, I could have sworn that things were a little bit better between us. Or was that just my imagination seeing things that I wish to see? God knows I’ve tricked myself into thinking I understood you before and I really couldn’t have been more wrong! But the more I think on it, the more I begin to think that I’m not just seeing what I want to see. I never before cared for anyone else’s good opinion… until I lost yours. Did you know that I was even jealous of my cousin? You two always seemed to have some secrets or such that you were sharing and I dearly wished that I could be your confidant. That I could be the one who you’d whisper your inner-most secrets to and I would share everything with you too. I have never been an eloquent man and since you usually leave me speechless, I’ve never managed to say more than a coherent sentence or two in your presence. If I could make speeches, if I was not so tongue-tied each time I was near you, I would have long ago told you how beautiful you are, both in body and spirit. I would say that the sun is never as bright as your smile, the birds could never match the sweet song of your laughter and that God Himself surpassed His artistry when He in His ultimate wisdom created you. Instead, when I finally spoke to you, it was not only my courage that I had screwed up! No wonder you hated me.

~I could be someone you need.~

So now I’m stuck. Stuck in this interminable hell of my own making. I know that sounds melodramatic and all, but that’s the reality nonetheless. I’ve had more than enough time to think on the matter and I’ve come to realize that I want more. Prior to meeting you, I’d always assumed that I’d eventually marry someone and she’d be the consummate wife and attend to all the needs of my life- kids, hostess, smile pretty before the public and never disagree or have a difference of opinion. Seems I was looking for a Stepford wife or some other soulless creature. How wrong I was! I need you… and the more I walk these lonely streets, the more I think you might, just maybe, even need me, too.

Elizabeth

~We had coffee on 3rd street and talked for a time.~

You used to be so easy to hate. It was so simple- I was right and you were wrong… what could be simpler than that? The truth. I thought that I was so brilliant and clever when I decided to hate you, but I wasn’t really brilliant or clever, was I? No, just very incredibly stupid! When I bumped into you at the café, the last thing in the world I ever expected was civility from you, let alone you buying me a cup of coffee. It was so strange sitting there and chatting as though nothing had ever happened between us, that we’d never argued or uttered the hurtful things we said to each other. It should have been awkward between us, yet it wasn’t. I wonder how that can be? Obviously, you were showing me that you’re the bigger man, as it were, by being nice to me when I didn’t warrant any notice from you at all. I wonder if you know now that I no longer hate you… I just can’t. I tried, oh, believe me, I tried to continue to hate you… your attitude, the way you come across as being above any and everyone, drove me mad! But then I began to understood that wasn’t what you were doing at all, was it? You’re just absurdly awkward and a bit shy, aren’t you? When we met and had coffee that afternoon, I could see that I had been so very wrong about you. You are the clever one… you have a wicked sense of humor and are rather witty too. Why did I insist on hating you for so long? Because I am doomed to revel in my allegedly brilliant cleverness even when I’ve been rightly proven wrong.

~I still have your letter, I know every line.~

When we met that afternoon, I was surprised that you didn’t mention your letter. But that’s just like you, isn’t it? Refusing to dwell on things that are in the past and instead moving on with the future. I suppose that’s one of the things that I’ve come to admire about you. Yes, I said it, I admire you… and yes, I understand the terrific irony of choosing that particular word. Had I any clue what you thought or felt before that afternoon… well, I suppose I ought to adopt a bit of your philosophy here and try to not dwell. But your words- “You can have no idea how much I admire and love you”- were so true! I was truly dumbstruck! I honestly thought you hated me with at least as much passion, if not more, than I hated you. Oh how I wish now that I could take back some of what I said! I was horrible to you… and even if I had been correct in my assertions, there’s no excuse for the manner in which I spoke to you. To say that I was surprised when I received your letter which explained what I had willfully misunderstood would be a gross understatement! Would it shock you to know that I know it now by heart? That I have read and re-read it so often that I could recite it back to you in full? Through your letter, I finally had clear insight into your character for the first time in the entire time I’ve known you and then, just when I was beginning to understand you, it seemed our acquaintance was at an end! How different you were when we met again… or was it just that you seemed different because I have this new knowledge of you? I can no longer tell! I am so confused and no longer know what to think! That’s not entirely honest though… I do know what I think… I think that you are a remarkable man and I think that I regret that I’ll never have the chance to get to know you better. I think that of all the people I’ve met, in all the things that matter, it’s you who would suit me most perfectly of all. Why did I not see it before? That’s right! Because I was being foolish in my pride and stupidity! What a grand idiot I’ve been…

~I hope this ain´t coming from way out of the blue cause I got to thinking and I thought of you.~

I cannot believe I’m out wandering the streets at o’-dark-thirty thinking of you and what might have been! Oh how my friends would laugh if they knew! Or, for that matter, if you knew, would you laugh? What would you think, William, if you knew that I was out prowling the streets because I’ve turned into a raging insomniac because of my lack of good judgment where you’re concerned? I imagine you’d admonish me and scold me with a lesson about personal safety. In the past, I’d have railed that such a declaration was a prime example of you being bossy when, in reality, it’s just you being responsible and looking out for the well-being of those you care about. Would I still be among those that you care about? I hope so… but I somehow doubt it. I think I burned that bridge pretty well, don’t you? What was it that you said? Oh yes, it was something like ‘my good opinion once lost is lost forever’ or something to that extent. I believe I’ve done a right admirable job of losing your good opinion, don’t you? How could you ever still care about, let alone love, someone that called you the ‘most abominable man who ever walked the face of the earth’? I know, I know… you’d ask why it matters now and I’d try to find some clever thing to say… but the truth is that I’m all out of clever things to say. All I could give would be the honest truth- that you are the best man I know and I’ve come to love you now that all hope is in vain.

~I could be someone you need.~

I just feel so wretched! Why have I been so blind? For that matter, why were you so blind? Why didn’t you shake me, or yell at me, or even just kiss me for God’s sake? Maybe then I would’ve clued in sooner! Instead, I’m doomed to singleness and you’ll probably come to believe that you nearly made a colossal error in loving me and throw yourself into a relationship with some society doyenne and while that’s probably what you should do, I think that would be a colossal error! You should be marrying me! You would be miserable in a ‘yes dear’ relationship! You need someone…well, you need me! And damn it! I need you!

~Keep you from burning in hot summer sun.~

As stubborn as you are, unless you were with someone who could be equally stubborn, you’d find yourself in trouble. You can be so contrary, you know that don’t you? You might think it’s being noble, or stoic even, but it’s a pain in the arse when you won’t listen to sense because someone else came up with an idea instead of you! Remember that time at the beach house? Everyone else had sense enough to put sunscreen on- but did you? No, of course not! You said you’d be fine and that you never burn. Ha! I remember at dinner that night you were wearing that white button-down shirt and you could barely move because you were burnt so badly! Instead of asking for help, you insisted that you were fine and it didn’t hurt! I wonder if you’d let me help you… would you let me apply sunscreen to your shoulders? To your back? Your very well-muscled back? This isn’t helping you any Elizabeth Bennet and it’s time you started thinking about something else besides shagging the one man you can’t have!

~Roll you in clover, a coat for your shoulder.~

I keep thinking about that afternoon we spent picnicking at your Aunt’s in Kent. Your cousin was blathering on and on about, well, something and my cousin was agreeing wholeheartedly- probably without understanding what was even being said! Charlotte was asleep and you were staring off in the distance, playing absent-mindedly with some clover you’d picked. You were twirling the stem between your thumb and forefinger and I remember thinking, and this was not even the first time, that you were a very handsome man. I think I liked the idea that you seemed as bored as I was and were struggling like the rest of us to stay awake in our tedious relation’s presence. Now, I look back at all the times when I was alone with you then and I think of all the wasted opportunities! Oh William, you would be scandalized if you only knew the wicked thoughts I’ve had about all those meetings we had back then! Like that time I was sitting in the clover field reading and you came and spoke to me… I’ve changed that meeting in my mind and relived a thousand different outcomes- none of which involve me ever finishing that book! Have you imagined the things that I have? Good Lord! I can’t believe I’m blushing at the very thought that you might have dreamt up the same scenarios as I have! See? Now what must you think of me? I’ve imagined you and I having a very private picnic of our own in the clover- one without your well-meaning cousin always interrupting you! Seriously, what is his problem? He followed me around like a lost puppy, always demanding attention! No one would ever describe you as a puppy, that’s certain! I wonder if we’d have possibly come to understand each other better had he not always inserted himself into every conversation. I guess we’ll never know now, will we?

~I could be someone you need.~

The more I think on it, the more I am certain of it! You need me! What’s even more astounding is that I’m pretty certain that I need you too. Even when I didn’t like you…okay, even when I thought I hated you… I always cared about what you thought about me. Your opinion always mattered to me whether I liked it or not. I always thought you were gorgeous and definitely the finest specimen of what a man should look like. I can admit it now… I was crushed. When I overheard you tell Charlie that I was nothing special and barely ordinary, it hurt. I know that I played it off that I didn’t care, but I did. You once said to me that neither of us perform to strangers… yet that was exactly what we each did, wasn’t it? You put on the façade and pretended that you were some unaffected big shot when the reality is you’re not like that at all. In fact, if only I’d taken the time, as my sister suggested I should, to look beneath the surface, perhaps I’d have not cost me my entire future happiness! Jane always thought well of you… there’s some more irony for you! You two are actually quite alike in demeanor and can be easily misunderstood. That’s why we’d be so right for each other I think… we’re complimentary opposites.

~You need someone there when the world isn’t fair or its all just too good to be true.~

I was so wrong… I don’t think I could ever apologize enough for misjudging your character so! You are in fact one of the kindest, least judgmental people I’ve ever met. In truth, I’m the one guilty of being judgmental and for that, I’m so very sorry! Looking out for your friends and family like you do… helping out my moronic sister without being asked- just because you felt it necessary when it really wasn’t! You are always there for everyone else William… who is there for you? Did you have anyone to turn to when your sister had her moment of stupidity? Who was there for you when you lost your parents? Who do you turn to when you’ve simply had a rotten day and enough is enough? I would give anything to be that person. I would love to be the one to help you share your burdens and help lighten your load. I long to be able to celebrate the little things, those small victories, that make life worth living. I would love to share your life, the good, the bad and the ugly. I believe you’ve gone it alone for far too long William.

~Someone to care for you, issue a dare to you.~

I know you have your sister, and she’s a dear sweet girl, but she’s growing up. Besides, the care of a sister who loves you like a father is hardly the same as someone who loves you as I do. What have you done to me William? I was once a rational woman. I seem to have lost my senses as my father would say! That’s what you’ve done to me… I care for you, I love you, and I long for you. Remember that evening at Charlie’s when I dared you to despise me and you said you’d dare not? I think you need someone to dare you more often… you need me to dare you more often. What a pair we are! I guess that’s not right though, is it? It’s like we belong together… but can’t manage to be in the same place at the same time to be an actual pair. Funny, isn’t it, that they call the halves of pairs mates? Oh William… what am I going to do without you?

~When the moment comes you need to fly, fly.~

Of course, the last few times we met you didn’t stay long, did you? What did I expect? That you’d been hoping to spend lots of time with the woman who told you to sod off? I didn’t think so. You were so polite though, so gentleman-like. That’s incorrect. You’re not like a gentleman, you are a gentleman and you always were one. It’s only that I was too blind to see it. Of course as soon as you could, you left my presence. Truth be told, and there is no point in lying to myself, I don’t much like my company right now either. If only I could have had the courage to tell you, to show you that I’ve changed. That I know I was wrong and that you are the best of men. Could you ever forgive me I wonder? I know that there’s no hope that you could ever love me again… I’m not that naïve… but I hate the idea of you being out there, alive in the world, and thinking badly of me.

Darcy and Elizabeth

~I could be someone you need.~

“What on earth are you doing here?” she asked at the same time he questioned, “What brings you out at this time in the morning?”

Unsure if she was imagining him, she said, “I haven’t been sleeping well and find that my head clears better when I walk. And you?”

“Much the same.” He stammered, still reeling that she was standing before him, he had no idea what to say. “Uh, how have you been Elizabeth? Have you been well since I saw you last?”

She gave a small smile. “Since two days ago? Yes, William, I am well. How are you?”

He tried to answer with a cheerfulness he didn’t feel. “I suppose I’m well…” Looking into her eyes, he found he couldn’t fake it. “No, I can’t do this. I just can’t.”

“Of course not,” once again, she misunderstood him and was crushed. “I understand. Good-bye then,” she turned and began to walk away from him, tears glistening in her eyes.

He called out, “Elizabeth!” and she stopped. Stepping quickly, he was in front of her in mere moments. She stared intently at the pavement, refusing to look into his eyes for fear of finding herself disappointed. When he saw she would not look at him, he whispered, “Elizabeth,” and lifted her chin gently with his hand, forcing her to see what the truth was. “I cannot look you in the eye and say that I am well when I am not. I am not fine… I haven’t been fine or good or well or, for that matter, happy in many months now. I will not, cannot lie to you Elizabeth. To you, I must tell the absolute truth.”

“Oh,” she gasped. “I thought… well, no matter. I was wrong again, as usual.” She hung her head and sighed, “I’m always wrong it seems these days.”

He hated seeing her like this. “That can’t be true. What could you possibly be wrong about?”

She realized it was now or never. “You. I was wrong about you…”

He had never been so surprised in all his life. He realized the implications, but instead of trusting his instincts, which had led him wrong before, he asked for some clarification. “You were? How so?”

Drawing on what little courage she had remaining, she confessed all. “You, William Darcy, are the very best of men and I know now that I love you. I was wrong to think anything otherwise.”

Still positive that he was imagining everything, he asked, “And you’ve been not sleeping well and needing to clear your head why exactly?”

She could not help but chuckle and shake her head at him. “You insufferable man! Because of you, William, I haven’t been sleeping well because thoughts of you haunt me day and night. Is that what you want to hear? That you’ve made me as miserable as I’ve made you? There, your revenge is complete now.”

It was now his turn to shake his head at her and smile. “You impertinent woman! Revenge is for enemies. I have no wish to be your enemy Elizabeth… I wish to be your friend.”

“Friend?” she said, unable to conceal her disappointment. “If that is all you wish for, then friends we shall be William.”

It nearly broke his heart to see her tears. He was still standing quite close and therefore was he was very easily able to kiss them away as he said, “No, Elizabeth. I wish to be so much more than friends. For so long, friends was the most I dared hope for with you. Do you really, honestly love me now, my dearest Elizabeth?”

Still reeling from the touch of his lips against her cheek and the words that had caressed her heart, she managed to somehow speak, “Yes, William, I do. I really, truly, utterly and completely love you.”

He pulled her into his arms and held her tight. “And you wouldn’t mind being with this insufferable man for, say, the rest of your life then?”

“So long as you wouldn’t mind being with this impertinent woman for the rest of yours.”

He gave her a very rare, dimpled smile. “I can’t imagine anything else I’d like more.”

She met his smile with one of her own. “I can.”

“And what would that be?”

“Kiss me William.”

“That I can do,” and to prove his point, he did just that. When they were finished, they walked on and spoke of many things. They cleared the air about all their misunderstandings, their fight and how they thought they would best face the future together.

It began to lightly snow and they decided it would be best to continue their discussion inside. They were now closer to William’s than Elizabeth’s and so to William’s home they went.

~Wrap you in blankets on dark winter nights.~

It was now after four in the morning and as much as he wanted to scoop her into his arms and take her to his room to fully express all that he’d long felt for her, he knew it wasn’t the right time for that just yet. He instead showed her into his library and had her sit down while he lit the fire in the grate. She watched as he worked diligently to warm the room, all the while thinking that if only he would hurry they could share the blanket she was now under.

As he stood and turned around, he paused for a moment to take a mental picture of the scene before him. She, his Elizabeth, sat before him on the settee under a woolen blanket waiting for him to join her. It wasn’t exactly how he envisioned it at Pemberley, but this was so much better as this was real. He grabbed an extra blanket from a nearby trunk, just in case, and proceeded to join her.

~Be your best confidante, pay the right compliment.~

Snuggled up together, they spoke until well after the sun came up. She learned that he was all she hoped he would be and so much more. He was thrilled that while she had not loved him nearly as long as he loved her, she was every bit his equal in fervent devotion. It was decided between them that there would be no happier couple anywhere, their friend and sister included.

~I could be someone you need.~

*The End*